Today's Odd Amazon Discovery

Authentic Sheboygan Bratwursts

2005-07-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

Authentic Sheboygan Bratwursts

These better come with a damn certificate from the Franklin Mint, or I'm going to hit someone.

Royal Potty

2005-07-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

Royal Potty

If a man's home is his castle, he deserves no less of a throne than a singing toilet.

Mystical Dogs

2005-07-04T18:27:00.000-07:00

Mystical Dogs: Animals as Guides to our Inner Lives

My dog's idea of mysticism is liver sausage. I hope like hell he's not a guide to my inner life.

Your Own Perfect Medicine

2005-06-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

Your Own Perfect Medicine

I'm not sure why people are complaining about not being able to afford health insurance when they could be drinking their own pee to cure whatever ails them.

76 Ways to Use Noni Fruit Juice

2005-05-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

76 Ways to Use Noni Fruit Juice

Male genital play and torment, perhaps?

Silk Palm Tree

2005-05-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

Silk Palm Tree

Not sure how a fake plant can liven up any space, but we'll go with that for now.

The Family Jewels

2005-05-09T18:34:00.000-07:00

The Family Jewels: A Guide to Male Genital Play and Torment

I think all fetish divas should be named after liqueurs.

May It Fill Your Soul: Experiencing Bulgarian Music

2005-05-02T19:23:00.000-07:00

May It Fill Your Soul: Experiencing Bulgarian Music

I have to say, of the nearly 10,000 songs I have in my iTunes collection, the only ones that are remotely Bulgarian are the Ladytron albums. And I don't think this book is hip to electroclash.

Japanese Silk Bondage Rope

2005-05-02T19:20:00.000-07:00

Japanese Silk Bondage Rope

As with so many Odd Amazon Discoveries, the best part isn't the odd discovery itself, but rather the advertised features. Oh, and how exactly is this "health and personal care"?

Ionic Shoe Freshener

2005-05-02T19:18:00.000-07:00

Pollenex ISH Ionic Shoe Freshener

When keeping your feet clean is a matter of life or death. Or at least a matter of life or trench foot.

Mr. Potato Head Saves Veggie Valley

2005-04-26T18:45:00.000-07:00

Mr. Potato Head Saves Veggie Valley

"Don't worry, everyone! See this little green spot? It's got cyanide in it! Now stand back!"

Star Wars Super Soaker

2005-04-26T18:42:00.000-07:00

Super Soaker Star Wars Revenge of the Sith Wookiee Water Blaster

Careful. It's a bitch to get that wet wookiee smell out of your upholstery.

Women Who Love Cats Too Much

2005-04-26T18:41:00.000-07:00

Women Who Love Cats Too Much

This is not, in fact, porn.

My Scene Date Doll: River with Two TV Dinners

2005-04-26T03:46:00.000-07:00

My Scene Date Doll: River with Two TV Dinners

This is what the kids find romantic these days? Salisbury steak?!

SlaveCraft

2005-04-26T03:44:00.000-07:00

SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude -- Principles, Skills, and Tools

Gotcha! It's not Warcraft set on the Underground Railroad!

There Is Eternal Life for Animals

2005-04-26T03:39:00.000-07:00

There Is Eternal Life for Animals

As someone who's had pets who have died, and someone who has a couple of fur babies, the idea of an afterlife for pets is somewhat comforting. But does this mean that, like, termites live forever too? Or is it a Velveteen Rabbit thing, where animals who are loved get real souls? Of course, dogs are exempt from this discussion, cf. All Dogs Go To Heaven (Bluth & Goldman 1989).

Ten Redneck Babies

2005-04-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

Ten Redneck Babies: A Southern Counting Book

A fellow from Alabama goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "I want a vasectomy. I done had ten redneck babies, and I reckon that's enough." The doctor begins to tell him about the vasectomy procedure, but then he checks the fellow's chart and notices he's from Alabama. So the doctor says, "All you have to do is light a cherry bomb, put it in a beer can, and count to ten."

The fellow thinks to himself that can't be right, so he goes to another doctor and says "I want a vasectomy." The doctor begins to talk to him about pre-op, but then notices that the fellow is from Alabama and tells him, "Just light a cherry bomb, put it in a beer can, and count to ten."

The fellow figures that if both doctors told him the same thing, it must be right. So he drinks a beer, sat down in a chair, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in the beer can. He holds out his left hand and starts counting -- "one, two, three, four, five." Then he pauses and puts the beer can down between his legs to finish up on the other hand -- "six, seven, eight....."

Chicken Poop

2005-04-19T21:22:00.000-07:00

Free Range Chicken Poop

"Made of the finest ingredients." Uh-huh.

Lure for Her Pheromone Cologne

2005-04-19T21:21:00.000-07:00

Lure for Her Pheromone Cologne

Probably not a good thing to wear to church.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Mafia

2005-04-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Mafia

A very special edition of Today's Odd Amazon Discovery, as we celebrate the wonders of the Complete Idiot's Guide series of books. First up, a helpful hint: if you need the Complete Idiot's Guide to the Mafia, chances are you're better off not associating with the Mafia.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Communicating with Spirits

2005-04-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Communicating with Spirits

I'm great at communicating with spirits. Tequila, rum, vodka...

The Complete Idiot's Guide to America Online 4

2005-04-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

The Complete Idiot's Guide to America Online 4

If you need this book, throw your computer in the garbage and get a typewriter. Seriously.

Wacky World of Peafowl, Volume I

2005-04-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

Wacky World of Peafowl, Volume I

Oh, peafowl, what won't you hump?

Your Disgusting Head

2005-04-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

Your Disgusting Head: The Darkest, Most Offensive, and Moist Secrets of Your Ears, Mouth, and Nose

I prefer my secrets light, pleasant, and dry. Obviously this book is not for me.

Jeff Costa's Cardio Strip Tease Workout

2005-04-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

Jeff Costa's Cardio Strip Tease Workout

"Hey, baby <*pant, pant*>, isn't this <*pant, pant, wheeze*> turning you <*pant*> on?"

BRAINS!

2005-04-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

BRAINS! Harnessing the Power of Emotional Intelligence

Go Zombie, Go Zombie, Go!

Polka Happiness

2005-04-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

Polka Happiness

Not sure about you, but I don't really find true happiness through the ancient art of the polka. Must be some sort of vitamin deficiency.

The Tao of Equus

2005-04-12T20:11:00.000-07:00

The Tao of Equus: A Woman's Journey of Transformation and Healing Through the Way of the Horse

I'm not so sure what Equus has to do with Taoism, but whatever.

Earth Angels: A Pocket Guide for Incarnated Angels, Elementals, Starpeople, Walk-Ins, and Wizards

2005-04-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

Earth Angels: A Pocket Guide for Incarnated Angels, Elementals, Starpeople, Walk-Ins, and Wizards

I know, I know, bizarre new-agey philosophy (?) books are low-hanging fruit. But gosh darn it, sometimes the low-hanging fruit is ripe and tasty!

Talking Scale

2005-04-11T22:13:00.000-07:00

Talking Bath/Kitchen Scale Combo

I just like the idea of hacking the scale and teaching it to say "OWWWW!" whenever anyone steps on it.

Infant Camouflage

2005-04-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

Infant Camouflage

It's a jungle out there, so you gotta start 'em young.

Braille Tarot Deck

2005-04-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

Braille Tarot Deck

"In your future, I see . . . huh. Nothing. Why does that always happen?"

Marijuana Leaf Candy Molds

2005-04-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

Marijuana Leaf Candy Molds

Best saved for candy so good, it should be illegal.

23-inch Shoehorn

2005-04-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

23-inch Shoehorn

Suggestion: if you need that much torque to pry your shoes off your feet, buy bigger shoes!

Erotic Nude Yoga

2005-04-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

Erotic Nude Yoga

I wasn't sure which was more frightening -- this or Totally Nude Aerobics. I figure that, while Totally Nude Aerobics might be more painful to those of us with breasts, the idea of attempting to be erotic while holding a good downward-facing dog and concentrating on the breath was significantly more incongruous. And here at T.O.A.D., we like incongruity. And nudity.

Digital Golf School

2005-04-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

Digital Golf School

This video probably isn't nearly as odd as what I assumed it was when I first found it -- a tutorial on how to kick ass at Golden Tee.

Hip-Hop for Kids! Pop! Lock! Break!

2005-04-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

Hip-Hop for Kids! Pop! Lock! Break!

I'd like to see Dora the Explorer bust out some hardcore hip-hop dance moves. Sadly, I don't think it's going to happen in my lifetime. Until Dora hits her teens and decides to rebel.

36 Stink Bombs

2005-04-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

36 Stink Bombs with Free Itching Powder

I just like that there's a company called Stinkbomben.

The Metrosexual Style Kit

2005-04-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

The Metrosexual Style Kit

Apparently in order to be a metrosexual, all you have to do is trim your nails and your nose hair. So if you're reasonably diligent about your personal hygeine, you may already be David Beckham. Wouldn't that be trippy?

Ass in Antarctica Hot Sauce

2005-04-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

Ass in Antarctica Hot Sauce

I thought the perfect compliment to any meal was, "Wow, meal! You taste good!" Not "ASS IN ANTARCTICA!" I'm just naive like that, I guess.

Homing Honker Novelty Mailbox

2005-03-31T15:25:00.000-08:00

Homing Honker Novelty Mailbox

Features: "Can be confusing to over-eager bird hunters and hounds!" Let me get this straight -- something that can get your mailbox shot is a feature?!

Baby Anvil

2005-03-31T15:21:00.000-08:00

Baby Anvil

I wonder whether anvils reproduce by sexual or asexual reproduction. Hmmm.

New Kids on the Block: The Whole Story By Their Friends

2005-03-31T15:00:00.000-08:00

New Kids on the Block: The Whole Story By Their Friends

Didn't this selection blow your mind this time? You've got the right stuff if you buy this book to prove you're hangin' tough.

Solid Gold S.E.P.

2005-03-30T18:25:00.000-08:00

Solid Gold S.E.P.

Seeing as how you can't really enroll dogs in twelve-step programs . . . (well, you can, but the results are less than encouraging).

Bagpipes from Hell

2005-03-30T18:23:00.000-08:00

Bagpipes from Hell

Does that make them zombie bagpipes?

Sell Yourself to Science

2005-03-30T18:21:00.000-08:00

Sell Yourself to Science: The Complete Guide to Selling your Organs, Body Fluids, Bodily Functions, and Being a Human Guinea Pig

Man, I wish I'd known this book existed when I was in college.

Yanni in Words

2005-03-29T08:28:00.000-08:00

Yanni in Words

I suppose Yanni in Words is better than Yanni in Music.

Hot Hooters Booby Massage Oil

2005-03-26T06:14:00.000-08:00

Hot Hooters Booby Massage Oil -- Pina Colada

What do owls have to do with Pina Coladas? I'm so confused!

Knitting with Dog Hair

2005-03-26T06:11:00.000-08:00

Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know and Love than from a Sheep You'll Never Meet

If you've got a chihuahua, you're just SOL.

Fart Proudly

2005-03-26T06:08:00.000-08:00

Fart Proudly

Yes, that Benjamin Franklin.

Habanero Beef Jerky

2005-03-25T15:53:00.000-08:00

Habanero Beef Jerky

A great weight loss aid -- not only will this make you shit fire, it's low-carb!

Cleveland Browns Baby Blanket

2005-03-25T15:49:00.000-08:00

Cleveland Browns Baby Blanket

This doesn't seem like a particularly nice thing to do to a helpless baby.

Extraordinary Chickens

2005-03-25T15:44:00.000-08:00

Extraordinary Chickens

I'll bet extraordinary chickens make extraordinary coq au vin.

Super Fannies

2005-03-24T09:22:00.000-08:00

Super Fannies College Logo Disposable Diapers

I'm thinking of buying Nora some University of Florida diapers . . . for her to POOP on!

Spin the Bottle Electronic Game

2005-03-24T09:19:00.000-08:00

Spin the Bottle Electronic Game

According to the manufacturer, this game SHOULD NOT be used by anyone under the age of three. Small parts, y'know?

Golden Fountain

2005-03-24T09:11:00.000-08:00

Golden Fountain: The Complete Guide to Urine Therapy

You're an eight, but I'm a ten.

Seabird Guano

2005-03-18T19:50:00.000-08:00

Seabird Guano

Notice the "features" of this bird poop. Sounds like a koan to me!

NASCAR Bib and Bottle Set

2005-03-18T19:45:00.000-08:00

NASCAR Bib and Bottle Set

I'd rather be reading Jane Austen, thank you very much.

Walter Canis Inflatus

2005-03-18T19:44:00.000-08:00

Walter Canis Inflatus

Some things are just better in Latin, like The Aeneid and Walter the Farting Dog.

Crow Fight / Baby Crow Distress CD

2005-03-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

Crow Fight / Baby Crow Distress Hunting CD

Also useful for long car trips with people you don't like.

Hemp Masters

2005-03-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

Hemp Masters: Ancient Hippie Secrets for Knotting Hip Hemp Jewelry

In the beginning were the hippies . . .

Children's Shaolin Monk Outfit

2005-03-17T19:16:00.000-08:00

Children's Shaolin Monk Outfit

I'd totally be a soccer mom if it meant my kid got to wear one of these.

The Baby Name Wizard

2005-03-16T19:20:00.000-08:00

The Baby Name Wizard: A Magical Method for Finding the Perfect Name for Your Baby

I think a better method is to tell the name you have in mind to a classroom full of second graders and ask them to figure out how they'd tease someone with that name. If it takes them more than ten minutes to come up with a good idea, you've got your name.

Dora the Explorer Coat Rack

2005-03-16T19:18:00.000-08:00

Dora the Explorer Coat Rack

In my day, we didn't have Dora the Explorer Coat Racks. We had a hook on the wall for our coats and we LIKED it!

Kids Who Sell Crack

2005-03-16T19:13:00.000-08:00

Kids Who Sell Crack Print

I'm hoping that if I get this for Nora's room, she'll be able to supplement the family income pretty well by the time she's two.

Method of Attacking the Crocodile Art Print

2005-03-15T17:45:00.000-08:00

Method of Attacking the Crocodile Framed Art Print

Goya hung Saturn Devouring His Children over his dining room table, so I suppose a print of a human attacking a crocodile might go well in my kitchen.

Wild Bill Clinton Mask

2005-03-15T17:43:00.000-08:00

Wild Bill Clinton Mask

Ex-presidents gone wild! Hmmm. Not that appetizing.

Inflatable Party Sheep

2005-03-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

Inflatable Party Sheep

What they don't tell you is that half of the party is inflating the sheep.

Purple Moon Dust Space Pen

2005-03-10T17:07:00.000-08:00

Purple Moon Dust Space Pen

Useful when you need to jot down a shopping list in -55 degree, gravity-free conditions.

Enzyte

2005-03-10T17:06:00.000-08:00

Enzyte

Meet Bob. Bob was flaccid . . . until he discovered Amazon!

Shit Happens charm

2005-03-10T17:04:00.000-08:00

Shit Happens charm

Nothing like a steaming pile of poo to show the world you have great taste in jewelry.

Barbie Horse Adventures: Mystery Ride

2005-03-09T19:27:00.000-08:00

Barbie Horse Adventures: Mystery Ride

Today on Odd Amazon Discoveries we're celebrating the Horrors of Barbie. First up, a game in which we hope Barbie doesn't get to reenact any apocryphal Catherine the Great scenes.

Barbie of Swan Lake

2005-03-09T19:26:00.000-08:00

Barbie of Swan Lake Computer Game

The combination of Barbie and Tchaikovsky is making my head burst into flames.

My Scene

2005-03-09T19:24:00.000-08:00

My Scene Computer Game

For the record, we at Today's Odd Amazon Discovery prefer games where one can beat people up with a stolen nightstick to games where one can "buy a to-die-for outfit, find the hottest new makeup, or search for cool sunglasses." They're probably a lot less harmful to society in general too.

The Hidden Messages in Water

2005-03-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

The Hidden Messages in Water

If you've got hidden messages in your water, might I suggest a filter? The best remove 99% of mineral impurities and at least 98% of hidden messages.

Missile Tortoise

2005-03-07T18:12:00.000-08:00

Missile Tortoise

Slow and steady wins the race. Just in case, a few missiles can't hurt.

Adult Sweatshirt

2005-03-07T18:03:00.000-08:00

Firefighter/Pull Hose Adult Sweatshirt

Your standard issue tacky sweatshirt. Except that I found this in women's apparel. Exactly what hose they're referring to, I don't want to know.

How to Shit in the Woods

2005-03-04T21:21:00.000-08:00

How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art

You know how to shit in the woods, don't you? You just put your cheeks together and . . . no, wait, I've got this all wrong.

Mini Wooden Mannequin

2005-03-04T21:16:00.000-08:00

Mini Wooden Mannequin

I keep a few of these on hand whenever I do laundry. Things tend to shrink.

Clifford the Big Red Dog Pinata

2005-03-04T21:10:00.000-08:00

Clifford the Big Red Dog Pinata

"Honey, look what we got you for your birthday! It's a pinata of your favorite cartoon animal friend. Isn't he cute? Now let's bash his head in with a stick! His guts are made of candy!"

Bling Bling Pillow

2005-03-03T19:36:00.000-08:00

Bling Bling Pillow

I taught my niece all about "bling bling." Not too long afterwards, she was playing dress-up and declared herself the Princess Bling Bling. When told later that evening to change into her pajamas for bed, she sobbed, "Don't make me take off my mad bling!" I'm thinking she needs this pillow.

Journal of the Lincolnshire Methodist History Society

2005-03-03T19:34:00.000-08:00

Journal of the Lincolnshire Methodist History Society

Um, yeah.

Marijuana Incense

2005-03-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

Marijuana Incense

"Rich, lingering aroma." That's nice and all if you're baking an apple pie, but if you're trying to make the place smell like marijuana as a matter of course, you're just whack. And don't people normally burn incense to cover up the smell of pot?

Amazon.com for Dummies

2005-03-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

Amazon.com for Dummies

You mean there's more to Amazon than finding weird shit?! Damn.

1200 Thread Count Sheets

2005-03-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

1200 Thread Count Sheet Set

I thought my 300 count sheets made me a badass! Now I feel 75% inferior. I'm going to go in the corner and cry somewhere now. Don't mind me.

Organic Tampons

2005-03-02T18:57:00.000-08:00

Natracare Organic All-Cotton Tampons

Even hippies get visits from Aunt Flo!

The Clapper

2005-03-01T21:07:00.000-08:00

The Clapper

Because if you've seen it on TV, it has to be good.

The Settlers of Zarahemla

2005-03-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

The Settlers of Zarahemla

Yes, it's Settlers of Catan -- for Mormons.

Diatonic 12 String Lyre

2005-03-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

Diatonic 12 String Lyre

Useful for impromptu gigs in Ancient Sparta.

Vegan Fight Song

2005-02-28T10:01:00.000-08:00

Vegan Fight Song

It's Vegan Day at Today's Odd Amazon Discovery! First up we have a free music download. Check it out. I can promise you you'll never look at tofu quite the same way again.

Vegan Pet Food

2005-02-28T09:56:00.000-08:00

Wysong Vegan Feline/Canine Diet

It had never occurred to me that veganism could encompass cruelty to animals, but there you go.

The Little Book of Vegan Poems

2005-02-28T09:54:00.000-08:00

The Little Book of Vegan Poems

Being a carnivore, I stick to poems made exclusively from meat. They're doing amazing things with bone marrow these days, you know.

Internet: Getting On-Line DVD

2005-02-27T14:36:00.000-08:00

Internet: Getting On-Line DVD

It's not the fact that this exists; it's the fact that someone could buy it through Amazon.

Milk: The Deadly Poison

2005-02-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

Milk: The Deadly Poison

Fuck arsenic. When I want to kill someone, I'll use milk! (Cheaper, y'know?)

Leg Lamp Christmas Ornament

2005-02-27T12:21:00.000-08:00

A Christmas Story Leg Lamp Christmas Ornament

Makes a perfect gift for your favorite amputee. Or movie lover, but those seem to be easier to buy for in the general case.

How to Date a White Woman

2005-02-24T21:48:00.000-08:00

How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men

I have to say, if I were considering dating a white woman, the picture on the cover might make me reconsider. If I were looking for practical advice on how to get a white woman to eat my soul, I might be more inclined to purchase this tome, however.

Foot Deodorant

2005-02-24T21:46:00.000-08:00

Crystal Foot Deodorant Spray

Judging by the items popular among those who bought this item, I've come to the scientific conclusion that people with stinky enough feet to buy heavy-duty foot deodorant off Amazon tend to stink all over.

Barber Pole

2005-02-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

47" Barber Pole

I always wondered where you could get one of these!

Boogerman: A Pick and Flick Adventure

2005-02-23T08:09:00.000-08:00

Boogerman: A Pick and Flick Adventure

And people wonder why Sega lost the console wars.

Quantum Coherence Generator

2005-02-23T08:06:00.000-08:00

Quantum Coherence Generator

For six hundred bucks I think it's reasonable to expect that this thing would neutralize geopathic stress in at least an eighty-five foot diameter.